It's been a crazy few days! It was my 33rd birthday last Thursday and my twin baby boys came to visit from Bristol, which was wonderful. They are about 7 months old now and because I don't parent them on a daily basis, they change completely every time I see them! The boys gave me the most thoughtful present ever - the noro virus! By memory, it is the worst illness I have ever had: vomiting, diarrhoea, fever, shakes, headaches and lack of energy were all symptoms I had the pleasure of experiencing. I didn't leave my bed for a day or two. Luckily, I've beaten it now and I'm even allowed to go to work tomorrow because I am no longer contagious...
For those of you who have been following my blog from the beginning (honestly depressed for first time) , you might be questioning how a gay man has twin boys. I am a known donor for a lesbian couple in Bristol. They have been my friends for a long time now and the biological mother has been my best friend since I was about 14! They chose me because they wanted their children to have a relationship with their biological father. This means I see the boys every month or so and get stuck in changing nappies, feeding, bathing and more but I am not a daily dad so to speak.
I feel incredibly lucky and honoured to be in this situation. Being gay, I thought that I would never get to have children who were biologically bonded to me. It is quite a unique situation as I have no actual parental responsibilities but they will know who I am and we will have our own relationship. Sometimes I feel strange or sad even, because the boys don't know me like they know their mums and I feel like I am missing them grow up a bit. However, I try to remember that if I hadn't made this decision, then the boys wouldn't exist and I wouldn't get any joy at all like when you hold them and they give you a huge, adorable smile or when they stare at you with absolute trust.
The journey will be a long, complicated one and I am sure that there will be many ups and downs. I do worry about my depression sometimes and I hope that missing the boys does not become a catalyst for any mental health problems - so far so good. I do miss them at times. I get a yearning in my tummy but I am being rational about it and just really look forward to the next time with them. My boyfriend, who adores the boys, is very good at sorting me out when I start to think negatively!
I think the key to the success of this situation is to remember that the boys always come first and that communication and honesty is crucial. As long as we all continue to discuss our feelings and be honest with each other (and ourselves), then we should be on to a winner.
I love the boys. It's a strange feeling that I have never known before. I know I probably feel differently to other 'normal' dads but I only know what I know, so there is no point trying to compare.
Some people may not understand what I have done but each to their own I guess. So far it is working out for me and the boys are so loved and cared for. They will definitely not feel the pain of rejection that I have felt from my own father (response-to-my-absent-dad). I will always be there for them whenever they need me and I eagerly look forward to spending more time with them and making more memories as they continue to grow.
Happy Birthday Dad: How past can affect us
I will continue to share my thoughts throughout my journey...
Thanks for reading.
Won't be beaten
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