It's been a crazy few days! It was my 33rd birthday last Thursday and my twin baby boys came to visit from Bristol, which was wonderful. They are about 7 months old now and because I don't parent them on a daily basis, they change completely every time I see them! The boys gave me the most thoughtful present ever - the noro virus! By memory, it is the worst illness I have ever had: vomiting, diarrhoea, fever, shakes, headaches and lack of energy were all symptoms I had the pleasure of experiencing. I didn't leave my bed for a day or two. Luckily, I've beaten it now and I'm even allowed to go to work tomorrow because I am no longer contagious...
For those of you who have been following my blog from the beginning (honestly depressed for first time) , you might be questioning how a gay man has twin boys. I am a known donor for a lesbian couple in Bristol. They have been my friends for a long time now and the biological mother has been my best friend since I was about 14! They chose me because they wanted their children to have a relationship with their biological father. This means I see the boys every month or so and get stuck in changing nappies, feeding, bathing and more but I am not a daily dad so to speak.
I feel incredibly lucky and honoured to be in this situation. Being gay, I thought that I would never get to have children who were biologically bonded to me. It is quite a unique situation as I have no actual parental responsibilities but they will know who I am and we will have our own relationship. Sometimes I feel strange or sad even, because the boys don't know me like they know their mums and I feel like I am missing them grow up a bit. However, I try to remember that if I hadn't made this decision, then the boys wouldn't exist and I wouldn't get any joy at all like when you hold them and they give you a huge, adorable smile or when they stare at you with absolute trust.
The journey will be a long, complicated one and I am sure that there will be many ups and downs. I do worry about my depression sometimes and I hope that missing the boys does not become a catalyst for any mental health problems - so far so good. I do miss them at times. I get a yearning in my tummy but I am being rational about it and just really look forward to the next time with them. My boyfriend, who adores the boys, is very good at sorting me out when I start to think negatively!
I think the key to the success of this situation is to remember that the boys always come first and that communication and honesty is crucial. As long as we all continue to discuss our feelings and be honest with each other (and ourselves), then we should be on to a winner.
I love the boys. It's a strange feeling that I have never known before. I know I probably feel differently to other 'normal' dads but I only know what I know, so there is no point trying to compare.
Some people may not understand what I have done but each to their own I guess. So far it is working out for me and the boys are so loved and cared for. They will definitely not feel the pain of rejection that I have felt from my own father (response-to-my-absent-dad). I will always be there for them whenever they need me and I eagerly look forward to spending more time with them and making more memories as they continue to grow.
Happy Birthday Dad: How past can affect us
I will continue to share my thoughts throughout my journey...
Thanks for reading.
Won't be beaten
Read my complete blog here:
Tuesday, 8 March 2016
Wednesday, 2 March 2016
I received a text from my dad today because it is my birthday tomorrow. I am waiting a while to decide if I should send my response:
I'm not well but thanks for asking. I suffer from depression and have done since childhood. I almost dropped out of school because of my mental health.
Sometimes at its worst, I can't leave my bed and I cry uncontrollably. I've researched it a lot, had counselling and been on medication before. Luckily, I manage to live a fairly normal life.
I believe that part of the reason why I suffer from depression is because of you and the way I was treated growing up.
All I wanted as a child was to feel loved by my dad but you were unable to do that.happy birthday dad: how past can affect us
I'm 33 tomorrow. I don't need or want presents or money from you. I have needed help and financial support from you in the past but you didn't get in contact or show interest, even after I moved out of home.
I reached out to you a while back and arranged to meet. I did this to get things off my chest and to try and take away all the sadness I have felt for years. When we met you apologised and I am grateful to you for that. I needed to hear you say sorry.
Afterwards you paid me £1000 and nothing changed. I opened the door to you and you did nothing to try to start any form of relationship.
I don't blame you. I don't think you have ever been able to give me what I needed, even if you wanted to.
We are not able to understand each other and never have been. I imagine you will read this explanation and think I'm weak, soft and pathetic. It's taken years for me to realise that I'm actually very strong, sensitive and a good man.
I asked mum not to give you my address because I don't want you in my life. Mum has nothing to do with my views. I'm an intelligent adult who knows his own mind. This is about me and you.
When I receive texts and cards from you on my birthday, it just makes me feel sad because I remember that I don't really have a dad. I have spent my whole life trying to forget feeling rejected by you.
I don't want reminders from you anymore. It's like a ghost haunting me. I'd rather just be left alone to enjoy my birthday with people who love me.
I appreciate that you might think that you are making an effort now but for me it's too little too late. Sometimes there is too much hurt to move on.